We all fail. We all have difficult moments. We all have choices that we reflect upon later in life and ask ourselves, ‘Why did I do that?’ Life is not easy, and pain is a part of one’s journey.
I try to remember that I am at fault for everything I do. Effort and work are required, but sometimes we need to reflect to determine if our thoughts and actions are beneficial and to understand what our true desires are. Writing down our desires can help us to determine which desires are worthwhile and which desires may be detrimental.
Simultaneously, we can begin to think about how we can achieve our desires and accomplish our goals. The more we can eliminate ignorance by learning and being brave to try new experiences, the more available we can be to grow especially in new and sometimes unexpected ways.
Life is hard. Sometimes, we think we are pursuing something worthwhile only to learn we may be harming ourselves. I used to drink coffee almost every day and push myself too much in the gym. Lots of caffeine and long workout sessions did not help my mood, but instead created a feeling of boredom, and later in the day, I was exhausted. I lived with my partner and often I was too tired to want to do much in the evening with her.
Sadly, my attitude became poor, and I was numb to the world around me. I moved to Montreal with my partner, and instead of trying to think and learn in new ways, I continued with the same routines. For 8 months, I did not find a job or gain admittance to a PhD program. I attended French classes for 6 hours a day, and did not realize that I was not happy doing the same routines and learning a language for such a long period 5 days a week.
I experienced a long period of social deprivation without a job during the pandemic and in Montreal and I was not making enough effort to communicate with my partner or simply to socialize with other people. I could have tried more for my partner and after 7 years, we separated.
I left Canada. I lived in different countries and began to reflect. I realised that I did not want to be with someone else and asked my partner to marry me. I sent her flowers and gifts over and over again. She only wrote a few words. I was heartbroken. For months, no one responded to my calls or messages.
So, I began to think a lot about my desires. I realised drinking coffee was not making me happy. I realised that I am very sensitive to caffeine and that I needed to change. For the first time in a long time, I sat by a pool and observed people around me. I did not push myself to swim laps and felt gratitude to be near people with some sunshine.
I cried a lot. I discovered the importance of sharing thoughts out loud. I discovered the important of speaking with other people and making friends. My workout sessions became shorter, and I realized that working out at a gym was not my priority anymore.
Learning and doing other activities interested me. So, in Budapest, I skydived. In Piraeus, I learned to scuba diving. I read a lot. I read books about manifestation, philosophy, and other topics. I learned new exercises. I sat outside and just watched other people. I spoke with my mom a lot.
No one is perfect. School principals and coaches are human beings. I can admit my faults and I can change. Living alone for so long has not been easy and sometimes feelings of sadness emerge. However, with reflection, effort, and thinking in new ways and doing new activities, I can grow.